Oh boy this is gonna be a bit difficult.
At the time of writing, where I live its 10:37 at night (finished at 11:07, exactly 30 minutes) and I have a serious headache oh my god.
My name is Jacob. I'm 19 and I don't have a job since I'm living with my parents and attending a small local community college. I have rather severe depression but medication didn't help me and when I went to the only therapist office in 30 miles they trivialized my anxiety by comparing me to a Buzzfeed article.
I've been an artist for as long as I can remember and a digital artist since 5th grade when my best friend wanted a drawing tablet and I received one upon asking for it. This has been a common thing in my life, to the point that it forms the backbone of my anxiety and depression, which are more than likely not chemical but situational.
I am very sheltered. My family is overbearing, toxic, and on the outside, fantastic. From the inside, however, the level my life has been controlled is suffocating. Part of this is a mindset in which I can't admit to myself that I'm negatively impacted by what every external source tells me is a fantastic childhood, leaving me with an immense sense of guilt and this expectation that I should just be able to do these things that horrify me.
What horrifies me is being a responsible adult. I show all signs of a sheltered childhood, including social anxiety, reclusion, an avoidance of responsibility, and no work ethic. These are very trivial problems that I feel immense guilt complaining about since so many people have it worse.
I'm 19 and have never had a job, slept away from home outside of one church function, washed dishes, done laundry, and only recently have I ever called to order delivery.
I haven't picked friendships very well and all relationships I've been in have lasted less than one week and resulted in people wanting to stab me. That's a long winded story for another journal but trust me it's not an exaggeration. This helps fuel my aggressive aversion to my own homosexuality, pretty much leading me to be ace just with attraction that makes me only dislike myself and my body more.
I have a pretty wide array of unhealthy coping mechanisms omfg.
I stay at home also with the guilt that, as my oldest brother has gone off to make his own poor life decisions, I am left at home with my autistic (on the spectrum such that he is incapable of living on his own) older brother. My biggest fear is that I'll never be able to give him a life away from our bitter and overbearing mother and complacent, childish father. Failing him like this is horrifying to me.
But my anxiety and fear, irrational and crippling as it is, keeps me from moving in any direction out of this rural hellhole.
Because of my abuse I'm anxious, perpetually uncomfortable, and very clingy. I'm lonely, and have difficulty doing things on my own. It's debilitating, and though it sounds like an easy solution I have fought with it for so long now that I'm very tired of it.
If I stay in my current situation, I will kill myself. It's inevitable. It isn't a threat or an ask for sympathy. It will happen, though I don't know how long it will take.
I try to be nice to everybody due to past abuses with loved ones and more so friends. (I deeply regret being the abusive party to my best friend and haven't handled it well for years.)
I can't spare that niceness and consideration for myself, especially as it stems from abuse.
I see myself as grown man, desperately trying to have the youth he never had, slowly growing older until my contempt for myself grows stronger than my delusion, and I allow myself death.